So I had surgery on April 17th to have a tumor removed from my upper back on the left side. I am now in excruciating pain while recovering.... regret having the surgery but whatever. So same old same old on the mother in law front. Still trying to tell me how to raise my son. If I call for him to stop getting in people's way she has to chime in and say something about it. If I tell him not to do something she turns around and yells at him too. She tries to say she's going to take things away from him if he misbehaves (HE'S A TWO YEAR OLD FYI) and/or threatens to spank him.....which also beyond pisses me off. She tries to say he's not aloud to have chocolate milk and yet she will give him candy anytime he asks. First of all, he's my child....I know, surprising right?! None the less, he is MY kid so there for you should be asking ME before you give him candy. Another fun fact, you should be letting ME punish my child if he's done something wrong. I know, this is a crazy thought. Ooooh, here's another one.... He's 2 years old. I know, I know, he's really smart... Still a two year old. You should maybe try ACTING like he's two and treating him like he's two. He doesn't "know better" yes we may have told him not to touch that, but does he remember four days later when he tries to touch it again? No probably not. You will have to tell him again, and probably again. Eventually he will get it but getting pissed that he's not getting it, yeah that just makes you look like the moron.
Let me touch base on another fun adventure in my life, my husband started therapy. Which in my opinion is fucking great, and quite frankly about damn time. However, (we knew there will be a but/however right?) he returned home after his first session more depressed then when he left, which is normal this happens to alot of people I will explain why later. What I wasn't prepared for was him being pissed off the rest of the day. Now don't get me wrong I am really glad he's finally talking to someone about his issues it does irk me that he would be so damn crabby afterward. And all day since my surgery I have felt like a burden because he has to wait on me so it made me feel even worse to have to ask him to make me something to eat or drink or anything even. I feel completely helpless and I know it hurts his back to have to get up 9 million times if I need something.
Tomorrow is Mariana and Achilles birthday party and everyone is running around trying to get everything ready for it and I have to just sit here and do nothing because most if it requires lifting more than I am aloud to or bending too far. Can't even make myself something to eat. Plus it makes me feel like a dick cuz so much stuff has to get done and I am just sitting here on my ass. Granted Kissy gets home and sits on her's cuz she got the cake so why should she do anything else right? Dale just seems pissed off that he has to be doing something for me or anyone else. I ask him to so something and yeah he will do it but he gives me a large amount of attitude and looks at me like I am Satan.
Another random rant, it's 7:15pm, 7 year old hasn't had dinner yet.... Walks in the room with a giant piece of cake and starts eating it...No adult other than me seems to care. That's fabulous parenting, cake for dinner. Fucking lovely. Not to mention when she does eat "food" it is mini pizzas or corn dogs. Which the adults make her make for herself. If she asks her mother to make her food... "Nooooo do it yourself!!!" (In a whiney ass voice)... Parent of the year right? Fucking lazy ass losers. Seriously this bitch whines about EVERYTHING. Instead of yelling she whines. Pretty sure I wish I could punch her in the throat everytime she does that.
Well enough ranting about my life for today, time for some pain meds and to try to get someone to make me food.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
This woman needs to get a clue...
So I have been graced with a mother in law. Fucking horrible bitch. Ahem.... I mean.... nah I mean horrible bitch. I have lived with her on and off for three or four years now and for some fucking reason she feels like she needs to tell me what to do. And tell my son what to do. And tell her son what to do. Ummm, I am an adult. Your son is an adult. Do not fucking tell me what to do, do not treat your son/my husband like he's a fucking child, and most certainly don't tell my son what the fuck to do. He is my responsibility and I most certainly do not want you raising my child. You're doing a shitty job with your granddaughter, and you did a fucked up job with your own children.
She's fighting for SSI which the physical aspects of it, yeah she deserves it cuz her hips and back are fucked up. But I'm sorry your "mental" problems, you brought those on yourself. You stayed married to a man who beat you and your kids, you're an alcoholic and refuse to quit stating "I have nothing else to live for" umm your kids? Your grandkids? Good to know. True addict right there kids. You treat everyone like they owe you something and let me tell you what I don't owe you shit. I let you use my car for whatever you want without asking for gas and normally you're good at putting some in it when you do use it, but the last time you had to go to the cities, I had almost a full tank of gas. You brought it back with little to none in it and my husband told me you didn't put a dime in it. Umm, thanks?
You treat me like garbage and have ever since I met your son. I have done nothing to you besides stand up for myself when you bring false prejudices at/about me. I will always stand up for myself because I treat you kindly every fucking chance I get. Don't tell me who I can talk to, don't tell me how I am going to run MY son's birthday, don't tell me what he can or can't fucking wear. First of all, he's 2. He doesn't give a shit about what he wears. Second, I picked out those fucking clothes, if you don't like them, well I don't give a shit. Keep your opinions to your damn self. I don't comment on how shitty you look when you walk around in sweat pants every single day, you NEVER wear a bra, eww. But for you to remark on what my BABY wears? Bitch fuck you.
I honestly don't know how I've dealt with this, this long but it is getting retarded. I only deal with it because I have no where else to go until we get our apartment this summer. I mean I am 100% grateful that she let us move here because we had no where to go but still, to treat me like total garbage for no reason? Bullshit. To try to tell me what to do with MY son? I don't fucking think so. When we do get our apartment, better believe I will treat you the same way I am going to treat my mother. Stay the fuck away from me, stay the fuck away from my house, and stay out of my fucking life. I will let Dale bring my son to visit you for a few hours but that's it. You will NOT be a part of raising my son because you have no fucking boundaries. You give children ZERO discipline, and that is not okay. If your granddaughter had ANY sort of discipline she wouldn't talk back the way you let her, she wouldn't tell a fucking adult "NO" and she would be grounded when she acts up instead of just threatening her with it to no avail.
She never cleans, barely cooks. Only cooks when I am not here cuz she's butthurt that I don't like her nasty ass cooking. Then has the balls to cop an attitude with me. Bitch I've cooked countless times for everyone and this aint my fuckin family. Dale, my son, and myself. That's MY family. That's my ONLY responsibility but because no one else gets off their ass, I do it. I cook for everyone. I do other peoples laundry. I load or unload the dishwasher. And I even FOLDED you peoples laundry when no one else would do it. And STILL there are two FULL baskets of laundry just fucking sitting there taking up space. Fucking filthy.
Everywhere I go no one see's the things I DO, only what I DON'T do. Well you don't wanna show me respect, fine watch me sit on my ass unless it pertains to my child. I will do NOTHING unless its for my son.
She's fighting for SSI which the physical aspects of it, yeah she deserves it cuz her hips and back are fucked up. But I'm sorry your "mental" problems, you brought those on yourself. You stayed married to a man who beat you and your kids, you're an alcoholic and refuse to quit stating "I have nothing else to live for" umm your kids? Your grandkids? Good to know. True addict right there kids. You treat everyone like they owe you something and let me tell you what I don't owe you shit. I let you use my car for whatever you want without asking for gas and normally you're good at putting some in it when you do use it, but the last time you had to go to the cities, I had almost a full tank of gas. You brought it back with little to none in it and my husband told me you didn't put a dime in it. Umm, thanks?
You treat me like garbage and have ever since I met your son. I have done nothing to you besides stand up for myself when you bring false prejudices at/about me. I will always stand up for myself because I treat you kindly every fucking chance I get. Don't tell me who I can talk to, don't tell me how I am going to run MY son's birthday, don't tell me what he can or can't fucking wear. First of all, he's 2. He doesn't give a shit about what he wears. Second, I picked out those fucking clothes, if you don't like them, well I don't give a shit. Keep your opinions to your damn self. I don't comment on how shitty you look when you walk around in sweat pants every single day, you NEVER wear a bra, eww. But for you to remark on what my BABY wears? Bitch fuck you.
I honestly don't know how I've dealt with this, this long but it is getting retarded. I only deal with it because I have no where else to go until we get our apartment this summer. I mean I am 100% grateful that she let us move here because we had no where to go but still, to treat me like total garbage for no reason? Bullshit. To try to tell me what to do with MY son? I don't fucking think so. When we do get our apartment, better believe I will treat you the same way I am going to treat my mother. Stay the fuck away from me, stay the fuck away from my house, and stay out of my fucking life. I will let Dale bring my son to visit you for a few hours but that's it. You will NOT be a part of raising my son because you have no fucking boundaries. You give children ZERO discipline, and that is not okay. If your granddaughter had ANY sort of discipline she wouldn't talk back the way you let her, she wouldn't tell a fucking adult "NO" and she would be grounded when she acts up instead of just threatening her with it to no avail.
She never cleans, barely cooks. Only cooks when I am not here cuz she's butthurt that I don't like her nasty ass cooking. Then has the balls to cop an attitude with me. Bitch I've cooked countless times for everyone and this aint my fuckin family. Dale, my son, and myself. That's MY family. That's my ONLY responsibility but because no one else gets off their ass, I do it. I cook for everyone. I do other peoples laundry. I load or unload the dishwasher. And I even FOLDED you peoples laundry when no one else would do it. And STILL there are two FULL baskets of laundry just fucking sitting there taking up space. Fucking filthy.
Everywhere I go no one see's the things I DO, only what I DON'T do. Well you don't wanna show me respect, fine watch me sit on my ass unless it pertains to my child. I will do NOTHING unless its for my son.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
My mother and her infinate wisdom..... or stupidity depends who you are.
So I went to see my mother yesterday.....waste of time and gas money as usual. I'll give it credit that it was nice to get the hell out of the house but to go there was worthless. When I asked her the night before if she cared if I came over this is what I got: "oh well i guess that's fine" So I ask, Did you have any plans, since it sounded as if she didn't really want me to come over. Her reply "Not YET" Okay well do you want me to bring Achilles? "That's up to you, I don't really care. AND it depends on the weather" Huh...Wow... Well the weather was just fine, I didn't bring him because there are A LOT of pot heads housed there and I don't really want them around him, and I only ended up going because I knew I would be bored shitless if I didn't. So when I get there she refuses to move from her TV til her show is over, then it takes still quite a bit to get her to move. I ask the rest of the people in the house to come down stairs to hang out with us because her room makes me claustrophobic and there's nothing to do up in her room. So they FINALLY come down, smoke a bunch of pot in my face, then finally play Farkle with me.
She gets a call that my friend Yessi wants to be picked up with her boyfriend. Okay that's fine, we take my car and go get them and run to Wal-Mart and the ECig place. We get back to her house and I FINALLY learn that they are moving in to her house. Well thanks so much for sharing that info. They told me they would be paying her rent, I will believe that when I see it because they already mooch off her now for smokes and food I'm sure. She already has three people living there that don't pay her rent, what is she gunna do with 2 more?! She complains she's broke, oh well if you didn't have to pay for that many people to eat YOUR food you'd probably have alot more money.
Then we got into an argument about WHY she kicked us out. It was supposedly because I bought my husband and I phones when we "didn't need them" umm, yeah we did. I was still job hunting and now had zero way for anyone to contact me, I have a 1 year old at home and if something would've happened to him I would want to know about it on the fucking spot, not when you get the time to drive to my work just to tell me. She claims she needed money for propane so I shouldn't have made phones my priority, Umm thanks to my son living there you got Energy Assistance... So I KNOW they gave you propane. And AGAIN, if you hadn't been letting Jeremy "live" with you, you would have more money.
Then when we got back to her house after this little argument she acted like nothing happened. Then she had to take Yessi and Mason (the boyfriend) somewhere and I wanted to stay back cuz I was sick of being in a car....yeah totally got left downstairs all by myself all because some stupid show was on that the guys NEEDED to see. Wow so you have guests over and you just leave them to watch some stupid show. Or am I not a guest because I am her daughter? Either way, pretty fucked that I spend $40 to come all the way there and spend my whole day driving around in a car, left alone for a half hour, fed, and sent on my way. She literally said "Thanks for coming"......are you a hostess at a restaurant? I am your DAUGHTER! Not some new friend you just met. WTF?!
Just once I would love for her to ACT like a mother instead of pretending to be one, or acting like one to everyone BUT her children. But now it doesn't matter cuz I am over 18. If you ask her she will straight up tell you, "My children are grown I no longer have to be a parent." Spoken like a true failure. I just wish she could HONESTLY say she was even a parent when we weren't grown. If you were I am pretty sure I wouldn't hate you right now. If you were I wouldn't have a juvinile record the size of Texas. If you were, my brother probably would have the capability of living on his own. If you were, you wouldn't have married the shitty excuse you called a husband only to divorce him when he laid his hands on me, wouldn't divorce him when he called me a whore when I was only 13 years old, wouldn't divorce him when you KNEW he was lying to you everytime he told you I did something wrong that never even happened. Nope you let it get all the way to him shoving me down on the stairs. THEN you FINALLY leave the loser.
Parent of the year goes to: ANYONE BUT YOU! I'd give it to a 16 year old pregnant girl before I'd give it to you.
She gets a call that my friend Yessi wants to be picked up with her boyfriend. Okay that's fine, we take my car and go get them and run to Wal-Mart and the ECig place. We get back to her house and I FINALLY learn that they are moving in to her house. Well thanks so much for sharing that info. They told me they would be paying her rent, I will believe that when I see it because they already mooch off her now for smokes and food I'm sure. She already has three people living there that don't pay her rent, what is she gunna do with 2 more?! She complains she's broke, oh well if you didn't have to pay for that many people to eat YOUR food you'd probably have alot more money.
Then we got into an argument about WHY she kicked us out. It was supposedly because I bought my husband and I phones when we "didn't need them" umm, yeah we did. I was still job hunting and now had zero way for anyone to contact me, I have a 1 year old at home and if something would've happened to him I would want to know about it on the fucking spot, not when you get the time to drive to my work just to tell me. She claims she needed money for propane so I shouldn't have made phones my priority, Umm thanks to my son living there you got Energy Assistance... So I KNOW they gave you propane. And AGAIN, if you hadn't been letting Jeremy "live" with you, you would have more money.
Then when we got back to her house after this little argument she acted like nothing happened. Then she had to take Yessi and Mason (the boyfriend) somewhere and I wanted to stay back cuz I was sick of being in a car....yeah totally got left downstairs all by myself all because some stupid show was on that the guys NEEDED to see. Wow so you have guests over and you just leave them to watch some stupid show. Or am I not a guest because I am her daughter? Either way, pretty fucked that I spend $40 to come all the way there and spend my whole day driving around in a car, left alone for a half hour, fed, and sent on my way. She literally said "Thanks for coming"......are you a hostess at a restaurant? I am your DAUGHTER! Not some new friend you just met. WTF?!
Just once I would love for her to ACT like a mother instead of pretending to be one, or acting like one to everyone BUT her children. But now it doesn't matter cuz I am over 18. If you ask her she will straight up tell you, "My children are grown I no longer have to be a parent." Spoken like a true failure. I just wish she could HONESTLY say she was even a parent when we weren't grown. If you were I am pretty sure I wouldn't hate you right now. If you were I wouldn't have a juvinile record the size of Texas. If you were, my brother probably would have the capability of living on his own. If you were, you wouldn't have married the shitty excuse you called a husband only to divorce him when he laid his hands on me, wouldn't divorce him when he called me a whore when I was only 13 years old, wouldn't divorce him when you KNEW he was lying to you everytime he told you I did something wrong that never even happened. Nope you let it get all the way to him shoving me down on the stairs. THEN you FINALLY leave the loser.
Parent of the year goes to: ANYONE BUT YOU! I'd give it to a 16 year old pregnant girl before I'd give it to you.
Monday, March 31, 2014
So I am Ashley. I have had an....interesting life. I am going to tell you about it, and then I am going to basically make this my journal and certain people can sift through it, experience my life, and then maybe give some good advice or idk maybe not treat me the way they do.
So as a child I grew up in Bradford, PA with a mother who was a dancer(exotic kind), and an estranged father whom I only know his name. I had a "Dad" (guy who raised me) named Darren who I love dearly, and then later had a step dad who was a big fat pile of garbage and I'll touch on that later. So as a child of a dancer you can imagine that I only really saw my mom for a few hours a day. Basically she woke up in the early afternoon and I saw her til shortly after dinner time. I didn't learn at that age what she was doing, she didn't tell me til later. We lived in a two bedroom house that generally housed a large number of people. Mostly family, or random teenagers who needed a home and my mother would adopt. Before she married d-bag she was a certified foster mother. I vaguely remember having a nanny...she was nice I am pretty sure, and that's when I knew that my mom was making some pretty decent money dancing.
I assume she left due to husband of doom but still I am kinda glad she did. So she married the asshat. Everything went to shit from there. He moved in the second they started dating basically, she brought him with her to meet me when I was in DuBoise, PA visiting my uncle. Didn't learn that he was a fucking asshole til a few months later. He put on a pretty good show at first, but then slowly he made sure I had very little contact with my mother. I was made to play outside or upstairs, never aloud to just watch cartoons or hangout with my mom. If I asked her a question, he answered. Then they got married and it got worse. He left for a while to look for work and that meant he left the state sometimes. This made my life get somewhat better. I had kind of forgotten how much he used to take from us. Then my mom got a call from him saying he got a job in Minnesota and that he has bought us a house. This ruined my whole world. How did this man get the right to take me from my family? My Dad, Grandma, Aunts, Uncle!! Why is it his choice?! So me being 8 years old didn't have a say. I was uprooted and moved to MN all because he was more important. We never left, still in MN as we speak, I am not bitter anymore because I have a great life now but at the time and for quite a long time after I was a very pissed off little girl.
So we lived together in St.Peter, MN for about 10 years and as stated before he and his d-baggery continued to ruin all things good in my life. He started lying to my mother, telling her I did things that never even happened to try to get me in trouble. He would still answer any question I asked HER, and she let him. I will give her credit that she stood up for me a decent amount of time but the times she didn't made me slowly start to hate her. He made a very good amount of money and yet when I needed something he made damn sure I knew how little I deserved it. When we had to go school shopping I got the bare minimum and the worst clothing ever. Eventually I got to get somewhat nice clothes and that's only because Wal-Mart didn't make jeans or shirts that fit me anymore because I have insanely long legs and a weirdly long torso. Basically, beam pole. So it was nice that one of the higher end stores in the mall was the only store that made pants to fit me. Very feminine clothes that made me finally feel good about myself.
Its funny looking back at these times and thinking, gee Mom did you ever look at all this and say "Oh hey, I'll bet this is why she acted out as a teenager." ? No probably not. So where were we? Ah yes, so when I started getting nice clothes was also when I started finally going to middle/high school which by this time I had already started acting out, going out to my friends houses all the time (not the good kind of friends either), lying about where I was, started smoking cigarettes at 13 so basically it was no surprise when I failed 7th grade. She switched me to a different school because St.Peter refused to hold me back. I should definately note that through about the 2nd year I was in MN to now I was spending a vast majority of my time with my best friend Bonnie. She tried to keep me out of trouble but when she couldn't she endured my bad decisions with me. She also had a shitty mother so we became sisters and helped each other through life.
So in the middle of my Cleveland high school career my mother finally divorced the monster. The reason for the divorce was because one night she was out with my Aunt Laurie and she had previously told me that I could go out with friends, he decided after she was gone that I could no longer go. We got into a huge argument and he pushed me into the stairs. He realized that I was pissed and that I would call my mom and tell her what he did. I got up and ran out of the house freaking out. I ran to the park that was a block away and called my boyfriend at the time first (another poor life choice of mine) and told him what happened and he came there. I tried calling my mother and finally got through to her as I was walking to my brother's apartment. I told her what happened and she told me to stay at my brothers. I few weeks later she was divorced and we were all packed up to go. Since she didn't let me help her pack I lost alot of my stuff because she left it behind in her attempt to get out as soon as possible.
We lived with her friend Carissa for a while and that was shitty, but I wasn't there most of the time being that it was summer break and I was out with friends, not really seeing my mom much. My brother had went back to PA to live til this all blew over because he can't live alone it turns out. (The apartment didn't work out since he couldn't really remember to clean) So finally she got an apartment there in town and my brother moved back. She got a job in Mankato and eventually we moved there to a better apartment. I was still acting up, Bonnie and I drifted apart for a little while since she still lived in St.Peter, went to a different school, and neither of us drove (well one of us didn't and one of us wasn't legal to) so we didn't see each other much. My bad behavior turned into illegal acts. 5 driving without a license tickets in a short period of time, lots of court for it, fines which I had to work off in community service hours, and partying alot. I also had a narcotic addiction to a medication I was prescribed for my anxiety and depression problems. I had two medications for it, one a long term, and one a very fast acting downer that helps get rid of panic attacks. As you can imagine I was addicted to the second. I spent about 3 years of my life high.
I dating some unsightly people one of them being a man named Zach, to call him a man is kind of an insult to all men but I guess it is what it is. We spent 2 years on and off basically ruining each others lives. We lived together in the begining (not to my mother's knowledge being that I was a minor) which brings me to another point I forgot to mention, the only reason I was able to live with him is because if my mom got pissed, instead of parenting she would just kick me out. Don't know what mother can live with making her daughter homeless but I guess mine can. So anyway, we lived together for about 5 months til the cheating and stupidity became too much on both our parts. I left with his roommate and he went to jail for got knows what. His roommate Jeff and I were together for a few months til my mom found out his age and I found him with a "friend". Zach and I got back together but didn't live together. I was living with a "friend" for a very long time, Zach would come to "visit" (aka come for sex, promise he would spend more time together and then only come for sex again) We never hung out at his house, which was because he was living with his girlfriend that he claimed was only a friend (im not stupid) and my friends didn't want him at their house because they we trying their hardest to get me to leave him.
My drug addiction continued and so few knew about it. My friend Gina's boyfriend knew, he walked in on me snorting pills off my window sill, but Gina didn't really know she just thought me being a weirdo was part of me. Which i suppose it was but when fighting the calm of downers it gives you an intense high that makes reality a wholly different place. Zach never knew and I made sure to keep it that way since he would get pissed at me for just smoking pot. Gina and her boyfriend Dale had some issues in their relationship, he didn't like her friends which was understandable, they were mostly all stoners, liars, and thieves, but Gina didn't care she just wanted to have fun and basically forget the fact that she was a teen mom to a child she never wanted. I helped raise that child with Dale's aid and Gina's mother's too. Gina eventually started cheating on him and they broke up off and on. Eventually Dale broke it off for good (or so he thought). By this time I had started going to therapy to help make myself better, to stop lying and stop doing things that were against the law. We connected on MSN Messenger (who the eff uses that anymore lol) and I went to hang out with him.
However, taking a step back a few months..... I had hooked up with a guy named Josh (I will hate that name for life.) and he gave me some horribly shitty tattoos, and then got me pregnant at 17 years old. When I finally told my mother she kicked me out again, then told me I would never have a place to live if I didn't get an abortion. I thought it over, knowing that if I stay pregnant there was no way I could give her up (she's a girl in all my dreams of her named Isabella Rose Yost) so I let my mother bully me into an abortion. This is and will always be the biggest regret of my entire life. So my daughter would be 4 years old now in September, and in my mind I celebrate her day all by myself.
A week after the abortion is when Dale and I started talking, he knew I was pregnant because he was still with Gina when I had told her the news. Josh had left and said he wanted nothing to do with me or the child so I was alone. I told Dale finally when I went to his mothers to hang out with him for the weekend. He wasn't very happy, saying that he would've helped me had I stayed pregnant but I knew it wasn't his burden to bare. We were together for two months, the entire time Gina was emailing him telling him she changed and wanted him back (blah blah blah) and he left me to go back to her, needing to make sure that there wasn't something there. I couldn't blame him since he loved her for a year and a half and for it to be over you have to know for sure. They were only together a week and she couldn't choose between him and the man she was cheating on him with. Dale came back to me. We got married on March 3rd, 2011.
In April of 2010 I got a blood clot in my lung and almost died. Dale saved my life by rushing me to the hospital when I started having chest pain. He had to give me blood thinner injections for two weeks and I had to take blood thinner pills for a few months. They found out that there was a tumor in my back at that time as well but after MRI's and scans decided that it wasn't cancer. I started getting better and eventually after we were married in 2011 I became pregnant with my beautiful son Achilles. I had to take more blood thinners during my pregnancy because of the higher risk of another blood clot but still my son was born very healthy. He is almost 2 years old now and is very big and very healthy. Now the only problems in my life are depression and unemployment.
We currently live in my mother in law's living room because we got kicked out of my mother's house. (Sound familiar?) She claimed we weren't paying her enough money when I gave her money for propane, I paid up her electric bill which she hadn't paid in months, I paid for her to get a new IPhone, and I put $545 in food stamps into her house. I then finally got a job at Home Depot with her and I was only there a month when she kicked us out. My life was finally starting to look up, I was going to be able to pay her rent soon, but first I got Dale and I phones because my mom couldn't pay to keep ours on even with a job because she decided to add a car payment onto monthly bills that she already couldn't pay. I needed a phone because I had a 1 year old at home and if something happened to him and no one could get ahold of me I would've killed someone. So she got mad that I paid for phones before I paid her.
I knew the money wouldn't go to bills because I already knew she was hiding money and not paying her bills. She would tell me that she paid them but then I would find hidden bills in her car. I would find texts on her phone from the phone company, not paid, the loan she took out, not paid. So we came back to live with my mother in law and there were no rooms open anymore due to a big rearrange so that Deb wouldn't fall coming down the stairs anymore. I knew we had no where else to go so I sucked it up and took it. But after 5 or so months here I've come to realize that I am always angry, I am depressed, I am alone. My husband and I rarely spend time together. We only talk a few times a day. My son has developed an attitude problem because his cousin (Mariana 6 years old) has no discipline, doesn't do what she's told, talks back, and is just all around not very nice. So he has that to look up too every day. I try to tell her not to do the things I don't want him to learn and she will listen until an hour later she's back to doing the same thing.
No one seems to get this fact because she hits her dad all the time and kicks him but then when my son his her, he's the naughty one. My husband play fights with both of them, he's the naughty one. I try to say I don't want him to do something, they tell him he can. Don't eat candy, here have some candy. Nothing I say matters. My goal is to have the surgery next month (April), get better, get a job, and have our apartment by June or July. I have had this goal for 4 years.... Maybe just maybe it will happen this time. If it doesn't I don't really know what will happen. I just know that I can't take much more. I feel like a ghost here. Like no one cares about my needs or wants. Dale acts different here because his mommy gives him whatever he wants, follows everything he says, and cares about no one else besides her kids and her grandkids. She never liked me from the start, she said we would never get married. Then when we did, we gave them a days notice and they didn't show up. Eventually she came around only because I was carrying her grandson.
Well that pretty much brings us up to current life for me. That's my story, maybe some of you will understand me better. Maybe when you think of me not working you'll know that I try every single day to find work even when I know I have a surgery in a few weeks and will be out for 3 weeks, I still try in hopes that I will have work to go to the minute I am healed. It's a vain hope, but I sitll try. I try HARD for everything I do. I try my hardest to be a good mother, I try my hardest to be a good wife, and I try my hardest just to be a good person. So think what you will, but learn about me before you judge.
Ashley R Nelson 2014
So as a child I grew up in Bradford, PA with a mother who was a dancer(exotic kind), and an estranged father whom I only know his name. I had a "Dad" (guy who raised me) named Darren who I love dearly, and then later had a step dad who was a big fat pile of garbage and I'll touch on that later. So as a child of a dancer you can imagine that I only really saw my mom for a few hours a day. Basically she woke up in the early afternoon and I saw her til shortly after dinner time. I didn't learn at that age what she was doing, she didn't tell me til later. We lived in a two bedroom house that generally housed a large number of people. Mostly family, or random teenagers who needed a home and my mother would adopt. Before she married d-bag she was a certified foster mother. I vaguely remember having a nanny...she was nice I am pretty sure, and that's when I knew that my mom was making some pretty decent money dancing.
I assume she left due to husband of doom but still I am kinda glad she did. So she married the asshat. Everything went to shit from there. He moved in the second they started dating basically, she brought him with her to meet me when I was in DuBoise, PA visiting my uncle. Didn't learn that he was a fucking asshole til a few months later. He put on a pretty good show at first, but then slowly he made sure I had very little contact with my mother. I was made to play outside or upstairs, never aloud to just watch cartoons or hangout with my mom. If I asked her a question, he answered. Then they got married and it got worse. He left for a while to look for work and that meant he left the state sometimes. This made my life get somewhat better. I had kind of forgotten how much he used to take from us. Then my mom got a call from him saying he got a job in Minnesota and that he has bought us a house. This ruined my whole world. How did this man get the right to take me from my family? My Dad, Grandma, Aunts, Uncle!! Why is it his choice?! So me being 8 years old didn't have a say. I was uprooted and moved to MN all because he was more important. We never left, still in MN as we speak, I am not bitter anymore because I have a great life now but at the time and for quite a long time after I was a very pissed off little girl.
So we lived together in St.Peter, MN for about 10 years and as stated before he and his d-baggery continued to ruin all things good in my life. He started lying to my mother, telling her I did things that never even happened to try to get me in trouble. He would still answer any question I asked HER, and she let him. I will give her credit that she stood up for me a decent amount of time but the times she didn't made me slowly start to hate her. He made a very good amount of money and yet when I needed something he made damn sure I knew how little I deserved it. When we had to go school shopping I got the bare minimum and the worst clothing ever. Eventually I got to get somewhat nice clothes and that's only because Wal-Mart didn't make jeans or shirts that fit me anymore because I have insanely long legs and a weirdly long torso. Basically, beam pole. So it was nice that one of the higher end stores in the mall was the only store that made pants to fit me. Very feminine clothes that made me finally feel good about myself.
Its funny looking back at these times and thinking, gee Mom did you ever look at all this and say "Oh hey, I'll bet this is why she acted out as a teenager." ? No probably not. So where were we? Ah yes, so when I started getting nice clothes was also when I started finally going to middle/high school which by this time I had already started acting out, going out to my friends houses all the time (not the good kind of friends either), lying about where I was, started smoking cigarettes at 13 so basically it was no surprise when I failed 7th grade. She switched me to a different school because St.Peter refused to hold me back. I should definately note that through about the 2nd year I was in MN to now I was spending a vast majority of my time with my best friend Bonnie. She tried to keep me out of trouble but when she couldn't she endured my bad decisions with me. She also had a shitty mother so we became sisters and helped each other through life.
So in the middle of my Cleveland high school career my mother finally divorced the monster. The reason for the divorce was because one night she was out with my Aunt Laurie and she had previously told me that I could go out with friends, he decided after she was gone that I could no longer go. We got into a huge argument and he pushed me into the stairs. He realized that I was pissed and that I would call my mom and tell her what he did. I got up and ran out of the house freaking out. I ran to the park that was a block away and called my boyfriend at the time first (another poor life choice of mine) and told him what happened and he came there. I tried calling my mother and finally got through to her as I was walking to my brother's apartment. I told her what happened and she told me to stay at my brothers. I few weeks later she was divorced and we were all packed up to go. Since she didn't let me help her pack I lost alot of my stuff because she left it behind in her attempt to get out as soon as possible.
We lived with her friend Carissa for a while and that was shitty, but I wasn't there most of the time being that it was summer break and I was out with friends, not really seeing my mom much. My brother had went back to PA to live til this all blew over because he can't live alone it turns out. (The apartment didn't work out since he couldn't really remember to clean) So finally she got an apartment there in town and my brother moved back. She got a job in Mankato and eventually we moved there to a better apartment. I was still acting up, Bonnie and I drifted apart for a little while since she still lived in St.Peter, went to a different school, and neither of us drove (well one of us didn't and one of us wasn't legal to) so we didn't see each other much. My bad behavior turned into illegal acts. 5 driving without a license tickets in a short period of time, lots of court for it, fines which I had to work off in community service hours, and partying alot. I also had a narcotic addiction to a medication I was prescribed for my anxiety and depression problems. I had two medications for it, one a long term, and one a very fast acting downer that helps get rid of panic attacks. As you can imagine I was addicted to the second. I spent about 3 years of my life high.
I dating some unsightly people one of them being a man named Zach, to call him a man is kind of an insult to all men but I guess it is what it is. We spent 2 years on and off basically ruining each others lives. We lived together in the begining (not to my mother's knowledge being that I was a minor) which brings me to another point I forgot to mention, the only reason I was able to live with him is because if my mom got pissed, instead of parenting she would just kick me out. Don't know what mother can live with making her daughter homeless but I guess mine can. So anyway, we lived together for about 5 months til the cheating and stupidity became too much on both our parts. I left with his roommate and he went to jail for got knows what. His roommate Jeff and I were together for a few months til my mom found out his age and I found him with a "friend". Zach and I got back together but didn't live together. I was living with a "friend" for a very long time, Zach would come to "visit" (aka come for sex, promise he would spend more time together and then only come for sex again) We never hung out at his house, which was because he was living with his girlfriend that he claimed was only a friend (im not stupid) and my friends didn't want him at their house because they we trying their hardest to get me to leave him.
My drug addiction continued and so few knew about it. My friend Gina's boyfriend knew, he walked in on me snorting pills off my window sill, but Gina didn't really know she just thought me being a weirdo was part of me. Which i suppose it was but when fighting the calm of downers it gives you an intense high that makes reality a wholly different place. Zach never knew and I made sure to keep it that way since he would get pissed at me for just smoking pot. Gina and her boyfriend Dale had some issues in their relationship, he didn't like her friends which was understandable, they were mostly all stoners, liars, and thieves, but Gina didn't care she just wanted to have fun and basically forget the fact that she was a teen mom to a child she never wanted. I helped raise that child with Dale's aid and Gina's mother's too. Gina eventually started cheating on him and they broke up off and on. Eventually Dale broke it off for good (or so he thought). By this time I had started going to therapy to help make myself better, to stop lying and stop doing things that were against the law. We connected on MSN Messenger (who the eff uses that anymore lol) and I went to hang out with him.
However, taking a step back a few months..... I had hooked up with a guy named Josh (I will hate that name for life.) and he gave me some horribly shitty tattoos, and then got me pregnant at 17 years old. When I finally told my mother she kicked me out again, then told me I would never have a place to live if I didn't get an abortion. I thought it over, knowing that if I stay pregnant there was no way I could give her up (she's a girl in all my dreams of her named Isabella Rose Yost) so I let my mother bully me into an abortion. This is and will always be the biggest regret of my entire life. So my daughter would be 4 years old now in September, and in my mind I celebrate her day all by myself.
A week after the abortion is when Dale and I started talking, he knew I was pregnant because he was still with Gina when I had told her the news. Josh had left and said he wanted nothing to do with me or the child so I was alone. I told Dale finally when I went to his mothers to hang out with him for the weekend. He wasn't very happy, saying that he would've helped me had I stayed pregnant but I knew it wasn't his burden to bare. We were together for two months, the entire time Gina was emailing him telling him she changed and wanted him back (blah blah blah) and he left me to go back to her, needing to make sure that there wasn't something there. I couldn't blame him since he loved her for a year and a half and for it to be over you have to know for sure. They were only together a week and she couldn't choose between him and the man she was cheating on him with. Dale came back to me. We got married on March 3rd, 2011.
In April of 2010 I got a blood clot in my lung and almost died. Dale saved my life by rushing me to the hospital when I started having chest pain. He had to give me blood thinner injections for two weeks and I had to take blood thinner pills for a few months. They found out that there was a tumor in my back at that time as well but after MRI's and scans decided that it wasn't cancer. I started getting better and eventually after we were married in 2011 I became pregnant with my beautiful son Achilles. I had to take more blood thinners during my pregnancy because of the higher risk of another blood clot but still my son was born very healthy. He is almost 2 years old now and is very big and very healthy. Now the only problems in my life are depression and unemployment.
We currently live in my mother in law's living room because we got kicked out of my mother's house. (Sound familiar?) She claimed we weren't paying her enough money when I gave her money for propane, I paid up her electric bill which she hadn't paid in months, I paid for her to get a new IPhone, and I put $545 in food stamps into her house. I then finally got a job at Home Depot with her and I was only there a month when she kicked us out. My life was finally starting to look up, I was going to be able to pay her rent soon, but first I got Dale and I phones because my mom couldn't pay to keep ours on even with a job because she decided to add a car payment onto monthly bills that she already couldn't pay. I needed a phone because I had a 1 year old at home and if something happened to him and no one could get ahold of me I would've killed someone. So she got mad that I paid for phones before I paid her.
I knew the money wouldn't go to bills because I already knew she was hiding money and not paying her bills. She would tell me that she paid them but then I would find hidden bills in her car. I would find texts on her phone from the phone company, not paid, the loan she took out, not paid. So we came back to live with my mother in law and there were no rooms open anymore due to a big rearrange so that Deb wouldn't fall coming down the stairs anymore. I knew we had no where else to go so I sucked it up and took it. But after 5 or so months here I've come to realize that I am always angry, I am depressed, I am alone. My husband and I rarely spend time together. We only talk a few times a day. My son has developed an attitude problem because his cousin (Mariana 6 years old) has no discipline, doesn't do what she's told, talks back, and is just all around not very nice. So he has that to look up too every day. I try to tell her not to do the things I don't want him to learn and she will listen until an hour later she's back to doing the same thing.
No one seems to get this fact because she hits her dad all the time and kicks him but then when my son his her, he's the naughty one. My husband play fights with both of them, he's the naughty one. I try to say I don't want him to do something, they tell him he can. Don't eat candy, here have some candy. Nothing I say matters. My goal is to have the surgery next month (April), get better, get a job, and have our apartment by June or July. I have had this goal for 4 years.... Maybe just maybe it will happen this time. If it doesn't I don't really know what will happen. I just know that I can't take much more. I feel like a ghost here. Like no one cares about my needs or wants. Dale acts different here because his mommy gives him whatever he wants, follows everything he says, and cares about no one else besides her kids and her grandkids. She never liked me from the start, she said we would never get married. Then when we did, we gave them a days notice and they didn't show up. Eventually she came around only because I was carrying her grandson.
Well that pretty much brings us up to current life for me. That's my story, maybe some of you will understand me better. Maybe when you think of me not working you'll know that I try every single day to find work even when I know I have a surgery in a few weeks and will be out for 3 weeks, I still try in hopes that I will have work to go to the minute I am healed. It's a vain hope, but I sitll try. I try HARD for everything I do. I try my hardest to be a good mother, I try my hardest to be a good wife, and I try my hardest just to be a good person. So think what you will, but learn about me before you judge.
Ashley R Nelson 2014
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